Popular blogs such as mine (and by mine, I mean other people’s) receive hundreds of comments a day, sometimes thousands. They crowd an inbox like middle-school girls at a Justin Bieber concert, covering the full spectrum between groupie-level-love and immeasurable hate. I enjoy the comments I receive here at The Wordslinger, most of which are humbling with their encouragement and positivity, and look forward to opening my inbox every Tuesday.
But what do I enjoy even more than reading comments from loyal readers such as yourselves? Reading spam comments from loyal auto-bots! Almost daily, my little spambag here at The Wordslinger fills up with such grammatically-grotesque sentences strewn together with nonsensical words and punctuation, that I can’t help but smile at the hideousness of it all. Much of what lands in my spambag is quickly deleted since the words are seeming blended together to form some terribly unreadable sentence smoothie, but every now and then I come across a comment that is pure comedic gold.
So today I thought we’d dive into the spambag and pull out 10 of my favorite spam comments to share with you. But wait, there’s more. Not only am I going to share these little nuggets of automated wisdom, I thought it would be just as much fun to try to answer them as well. So let’s get right to it!
#10- This comment comes from a Mr. “How To Build A Solar Panel”
“Thank you for any other informative web site. The place else may I am getting that kind of info written in such a perfect means? I’ve a challenge that I am simply now running on, and I’ve been on the glance out for such information.”
Hmm…should’ve started with an easier one. Let’s see…Dear Mr. Panel, you’re welcome. Let me apologize as I have no answer to your question in sentence #2 of this comment. In truth, I didn’t even realize it was a question until I came upon the question mark at the end. I wish you good luck on your challenge, and may I suggest simply jogging on it or perhaps walking briskly, as running on it has apparently not yet worked out for you.
#9- This comment comes from Manfroto Monopod Head (no location was listed, but I’m guessing maybe Neptune)
“I will right away seize your rss feed as I can’t in finding your e-mail subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Please let me recognize so that I may subscribe. Thanks.”
Dear Mr. Head, or Monopod-Head? I’m not sure how you prefer to be addressed. Quite frankly, your aggression frightens me a bit. I would have been more than happy to send you a link to my RSS feed if you would have simply asked. At this point however, the only thing I will be sending your way is a restraining order.
#8- This comment comes from “Dexter”
“Thank you for another wonderful article. Where else could anyone get that type of information in such a perfect way of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I’m on the look for such information.”
Dear Dexter, thanks for the kind words. It seems you and Mr. Panel from the first comment may be working on the same presentation. Perhaps you guys should get together and brainstorm, as it seems Mr. Panel has been running on it for a while and has come up empty.
#7- This comment comes from “Janice O’ Janice”
“Thank you, I have just been searching for information approximately this subject for ages and yours is the best I’ve discovered till now. But, what about the conclusion? Are you sure in regards to the supply? What i do not realize is in reality how you’re not actually much more well-appreciated than you may be right now. You’re so intelligent.”
Dear Ms. O’Janice, first let me say that is quite a unique name. It seems odd that your parents would name you Janice considering their last name of O’Janice…hmm…I wonder if that’s your real name? Anyway, from what I can tell from the hodge-podge of words above, you are concerned that I am not being appreciated. I appreciate your appreciation for my lack of appreciation and hope you appreciate my gratitude for showing such appreciation. And yes, I am so intelligent.
#6- This comment comes from “unknown”
“Funny, I used to be discussing this issue with my older sister the other day, now I’ll have one particular more argument in my hand when it’ll appear to confrontation after again….”
Dear unknown, I hope you are ok. It seems that your comment trailed off at the end and I’m concerned that your confrontation with your sister may have resulted in some violent act against you. My words should be used for good, not evil, so if you are still there – please don’t take this comment in your hand when the two of you go at it again.
#5- This comment comes from “June July August”
“Thank you for your nice post i really enjoy to visit this type of post.I feel very happy while im entering your post.Thank u for your nice post..”
Dear Calendar, umm…your comment made me uncomfortable. I must admit however, that I am curious how said post made you feel when you exited?
#4- This comment comes from “Mdnsubfdksluihgd”
“Thanks. Sun-drenched write-up! Put in writing more. It appears as if When i happen to normal customer”
Dear…uh…out-of-towner, what an interesting comment. While your post lacks any semblance of grammar and coherence, I am impressed with your proper use of the hyphen in “sun-drenched”. I have nothing more to add.
#3- This comment comes from “Joe”
“whoah this blog is magnificent i love reading your posts. Stay up the good paintings sir! You realize, lots of persons are searching round for this information, you can help them greatly.”
Dear Joe, thank you for your kind words. Since reading your comment, I’ve scoured the archives looking for the paintings you would like me to stay up on but have come up empty. I’ll continue searching, but if you could be more specific about said paintings, I’d be more than happy to continue staying up on them.
#2- This comment comes from “Scotty B”
“saw this website and got so excited that I superman punched my dog!”
Dear Mr. B, I’m not sure how to react to this. Obviously, I am touched that my words have excited you so. However, I feel it is my obligation to inform you that violence towards animals will not be tolerated here at The Wordslinger. I’ve notified the local animal rescue and ask that you please surrender your dog without incident…the poor thing has been through enough, having suffered a superman-punch (which I can only assume hurts like hell!)
#1- This comment comes from “Marcel”
“am to a great extent impressed with the article I have just read. There is not much to say except the following universal truth: You never know where to look when eating a banana. I will be back.”
Dear Marcel, two words: mind = blown.