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"It's a bit of a fixer-upper...but I'll throw in the dog smell for free!"

If you’re like me, you’ve had your share of “home improvement issues” over the years.  You’re also devilishly handsome, though slightly insecure about the size of your nose.  Extra-large olfactory instruments aside, your home is your castle and mine’s not exactly Windsor or Edinburgh.  Despite the consistent verbal beatdowns I lay upon my dwelling, the truth is it’s served its purpose quite well for us these past 6 years.  However, as our family continues to grow, the living space within these four walls seems to be shrinking.

When we purchased the house, the wife and I were recently engaged, young, and naive.  It seemed like the perfect “starter” home with very little renovation needed.  It was “move-in ready”.  Six years later, having spent several thousand dollars on everything from re-finishing the finished basement to custom doors for the slightly-taller-than-standard-size closets, I feel like Tom Hanks in “The Money Pit”.  As the basement remains in a state of unlivability and the number of bedrooms does not equal the number of children we intend to house in them, we can’t help but dream of making a move.

A bigger house with more room for the kids to clutter with toys and more space for the dogs to shed their hair is what we desire.  While dreaming of the future, I can’t help but think about the present however and the fact that buying a new home is impossible without the sale of “The Pit”.  So in order to take the next step forward in our family’s life, we first have to find naive gullable immature ambitious people like us who want to make our cozy little abode, their own.  In order to help facilitate this transaction, I’ve come up with some great lines that should serve to up sell the heck out of this place.  Here’s what I’ve got so far.

  • “Yes, we know the concrete walkway was poured on an angle.  It takes some getting used to when your sober, but it feels straight as an arrow when you’re walking home drunk.”
  • “So you’re a fan of asymmetry?  Great, then let’s check out the basement first!”
  • “You’re right, I do smell that.  No, it’s not mold…it smells like the money you’re about to save because I just took $10,000 off the asking price!  Whaddya Say?!”
  • “No, it wasn’t our dogs that put all those scratches in the hardwood floors.  We bought it that way, it’s called ‘distressed’.  It’s very gnude right now.  Wait, you don’t know what gnude means?  Wow, you really need to buy this house before people realize how uncool you are.”
  • “Yes, all the appliances will remain.  That includes the backup sump pump which you will need when the first one inevitably fails the night before you leave for vacation.”
  • “We are also including the pungent scent of dog.  It is a great deterrent to potential burglars.  I mean why buy the dog when you get the scent for free, am I right?”
  • “The upstairs gets really hot in the summer which is a feature with multiple benefits.  First, you will be able to slim down for the beach with all the weight you’ll lose while sweating profusely.  Second, what better way to spice up your love life than by having to sleep naked to avoid heat stroke?  It’s a win-win!”
  • “The neighbors’ dryer vent empties into our back screen room.  If you time it right, you can exfoliate and relax in the “steam room” everyday after work.  It’s like having a spa in your own backyard!”

As you can see, our little bungalow is quite the diamond in the rough.  A steal for the adventurous home buyer looking to add a little unpredictability to their lives.  What fun is a house with “dry floors” and “straight walls” anyway?  I’m offering you the keys to my castle here…just do me and favor and take it off my hands before it sinks into the moat!