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Somewhere between her birth and now, Izzy started talking. It’s hard to remember the exact moment, because ever since she switched over to English from Infant-ese, I’ve been too busy laughing to mark any major milestones on the calendar. I still have hope that one day we’ll find out she’s brilliant and we won’t have to pay for college, but if that doesn’t work out, she may do well on the comedy scene. I’m not sure where she gets her sarcastic, comedic delivery from because my wife is only moderately funny and my contribution was the good looks, but as long as she keeps me entertained, I’ll let that mystery remain unsolved.

If you have children of your own, know people who have children of their own, or are, perhaps, still a child yourself, you know that kids can say some crazy things. If you are the latter, do your parents know you’re reading blogs on the internet? If they know, are they at least monitoring what blogs you’re reading? You know what, just call them over to the computer for a minute so I can talk to them because they are being quite irrespon…(internal monologue: Wait, this kid’s clicks are counting towards my growing number of page views.)…um, nevermind, I’m sure they are very busy people. Just keep reading and when you’re done, feel free to browse the archives as well.

Ok, where were we? Right, the funny stuff kids say. So from time to time, in between watching The Disney Channel, eating, peeing, pooping, spinning in circles, “accidentally” clocking her brother in the head with a plastic golf club, watching more Disney, randomly crying about something ridiculously insignificant, and passing out from exhaustion, she drops a bomb of hilarity that keeps me rolling for days.

Sometimes it’s a single word, but pronounced in a way never heard before by human ears. Like when she tells me she wants her “cown”, and after 10 minutes and numerous guesses including clown, crayon, comb, and Corona (hmm, wonder what made me think that’s what she wanted?), she finally takes me by the hand and shows me her princess “crown” while giving a look that says, “I can’t believe this moron is my father.”

Sometimes it’s a song lyric that causes whatever liquid that just entered my mouth to exit through my extra-large nostrils. For example, something as innocent as the alphabet song does it for me every time. If you’re unfamiliar with this classic, about 3/4 of the way through you should hear a line that goes a little something like this, “…q,r,s…t,u,v…”. When sung by my little songstress however, it sounds more like, “…coo, r,s…2,b,b…” (I know, it looks funny just seeing it written out…but say it to yourself and you’re sure to get a chuckle).

But what really sends my funny bone running for cover, is the seemingly random questions or statements that come out of nowhere. Here are some of my favorites, along with a brief description, translation, or meaning where appropriate:

“Want me to use your phone?” This comes in several varieties from “Want me to go outside?” to “Want me to eat your cookie?” No matter the subject of her inquiry, the central theme remains. Sometimes I think she is hypnotizing me somehow in order to get what she wants without actually asking for it. I find myself thinking, “Why yes…I do want you to eat a bowl of M&M’s right before bedtime” or “Of course honey, I do want you to take your brother’s juice cup”. Wait, what? Where am I? IZZY!!!

“It’s gonna be silly…” she says with the raise of an eyebrow and a menacing grin. This one came about due to our eagerness to have her repeat whatever funny thing she just said or did. It has since morphed into an ominous warning of sorts whenever she is about to do something that her mother and I will likely disapprove of. The other day as I was unloading the dishwasher, I glanced over to find her mounting her little brother like he was a bull in a rodeo.

“It’s gonna be silly…” she said.

“Not to Social Services.” I replied as I quickly removed her before Jake started to buck.

“Abbra Ca-bunny!” This one is fairly self-explanatory. It’s “abbra ca dabbra” but this magic word only produces bunnies. Makes sense to me.

“I wanna be cold!” This one is cute right now but has a shelf life to it. You see, this is what she says when she decides she only wants to wear her underwear. Look, she’s 2 1/2 years old; I don’t care if she wants to traipse around the house in nothing but her skivvies. But the minute she starts a sentence with, “There’s this boy…” on goes the parka!

“Jacob a prince, I a princess.” Very cute right? Wait for it…

“Jacob a boy, Izzy a girl.” Wait for it…

“Jacob have a wee-wee, I have a hoo-ha.” Ladies and Gentleman, you’ve been a great audience. My daughter Izzy will be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress on your way out.

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