You know how every time you delete something from your computer, it’s not really deleted? It just heads up to that tiny recycling basket in the upper left corner of your desktop and gets forgotten about. Then every so often, you notice what appears to be a little piece of paper sticking out of that tiny recycling basket and you think, “huh, wonder how much junk is in there?” So you open the basket, peruse its contents, and then empty that bad boy. About six months later, this scenario repeats itself and continues to do so until the day you get a new computer.
Well, today I have nothing productive to say here. Just a bunch of random statements or thoughts that have been clogging up my recycling basket for a while now. So instead of some thought-provoking post that stirs emotions and touches the soul, I think I’m just going to empty that bad boy. Here goes:
– Is it wrong to hope that my kids struggle with spelling, so as to get a few extra years out of “s-a-y-i-n-g t-h-i-n-g-s l-i-k-e t-h-i-s w-i-t-h-o-u-t t-h-e-m u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d-i-n-g”?
– Where’s my flying car? I mean it’s practically 2012 for crying out loud! If the world ends this year like the Mayans said it would, are we really going to be species that couldn’t get their s*** together and invent the flying car?
– And speaking of the Mayans; does anyone else feel like maybe they weren’t so much great at predicting the future, as much as they were just really good practical jokers?
– Can we all just make a pact right now to ignore anything that comes after Blu-Ray? I mean this is getting ridiculous.
– When I come home from work and Jen has spent the day doing everything in her power to maintain some sense of control over our two kids, she tags me in and then quickly zones out for about 5 minutes. I’m always happy to relieve her in these moments. I also use this time to mention things I was supposed to tell her days ago, along with any bad news I may have.
– People with little knowledge or experience in the world of craftsmanship often struggle with remembering the difference between a flat head and phillips head screwdriver. As a master craftsman myself, I’m glad to lend a hand: The flat head screwdriver is the one you use to open paint cans; the phillips head screwdriver is…well…the other one.
– When someone I’m conversing with begins a sentence with, “To tell you the truth…”, I always wonder exactly how long they’ve been lying to me.
– In my opinion, the most annoying catchphrase in sports commentary is “At the end of the day…” So, you mean…at night?
– A co-worker was telling me about his family’s annual flag football game on Thanksgiving and how his niece played several downs as the quarterback for the other team. He said he felt bad playing defense and mostly just let her complete passes. I told him, “don’t feel bad picking one off and taking it to the house. She’s got to learn not to throw into double coverage some time.”
– The best new comedy on TV this year is “New Girl“. Any program that uses at least 19 of its 22 on-screen minutes to make me feel so uncomfortable that I’d rather be standing naked in front of a crowd, is worth a half hour of my time.
– Don’t pretend that you weren’t just cheating when you played “logogogue” in our Words With Friends game. You do not know that word. You can’t even pronounce that word.
– It’s a shame you can’t save unneeded hours of sleep like you can save sick days at work. I could really use some of those 12 hours I used to get as a teenager. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel at least a little tired.
– What it is about pants, specifically jeans, that makes us think they are impervious to dirt and odor? We wash shirts, socks, and underwear after a single use, but pants? We wear pants for 6 days in a row and don’t think twice about it.
– What the hell is a “hot minute”?
– Why does my dental hygienist insist on asking me questions that require more than a “uh hu” or “uh uh” when she’s in the middle of pummeling my gums?
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