The World is on Facebook. No really, here’s its page. I’m willing to bet that you have a Facebook page as well, and if not, you know someone who does. Nearly 1 out of every 7 people on the planet is on Facebook and the other 6 would be too if they’d stop playing Angry Birds long enough to open an account. That’s 800,000 Earthlings uploading photos, updating statuses, and poking friends (seriously, how many people actually do that?) everyday.
With so many “individuals” staking claim to their own little plot of internet land, you’d think it would be impossible to find ways to group them all. Well, you’d be wrong. The truth is, there are really only seven different people who inhabit Facebook.
“Jim, what are you talking about. I’m looking at my page right now and I have 1,836 friends.”
First of all, no you don’t. No one has 1,836 friends. You are really only friends with like 20 of those people and you know it. Second, you’re looking at your list all wrong. Forget the names and faces of those people for a minute and think about the best way to describe their “facebooking”. My guess is every single “friend” of yours can be categorized as one of the following people.
The Facebook Employee: No, this person does not actually work for Facebook. They do, however, treat “facebooking” as if it were their job. Forget Monday through Friday, 9-5; this person is working nights and weekends. Whether it’s a quick status update to inform everyone that he’ll be at Applebees in 15 minutes, or uploading a picture of a woman that she saw at Target who may or may not be her 4th grade Social Studies teacher, this person is always putting in a full day at the office. On his resume you’ll find “able to update status from my phone while taking a shower” as a special skill, and under previous employers, “MySpace”. If more than 2 hours goes by without a new post or mobile upload, call the police.
The Photographer: You have 62 photos on your page. She person has 4,927. Your albums consist of “Profile Pictures” and “Mobile Uploads”. Her albums use song lyrics like “You can find me in da club…” and “Pa pa pa poker face, pa pa poker face”. If you had never met this person before, you could still easily write her biography based on the photo albums documenting every Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall for the past 12 years. She may not update her status as frequently as “The Employee”, but no one can upload pictures of herself in the mirror as quickly as The Photographer.
The Challenger: Whether it’s speaking out in favor of stem cell research or championing the fight to bring back the Mc Rib, this guy will challenge you to copy and paste his post to your page. He makes no distinction between disease prevention and mystery meat retention. Every cause is important and worth the taunts of “97% of people won’t post this” and “most of you won’t put this as your status for 1 hour”. Despite his pleading, he generally has the facts right as most of us ignore whatever issue he’s soapboxing today. Does that mean we’re bad people? No, it just means that after 14 new “challenges” today alone, we’re too busy blocking him to pay attention.
The Gamer: If there is a game to be played on Facebook, she’s playing it. Farmville, Castleville, Cityville, Hoochieville; she’s mayor of them all and she wants you to know it. Much like “The Employee”, it would seem that playing Facebook games is her occupation since her latest request of more hay for her cows came at 1:25pm on a Wednesday. From time to time, The Gamer ventures out of her comfort zone to post the results of a poll she took or a question she answered about a friend. Don’t be fooled though, her bread and butter is gaming and her farm is better than yours.
The Complainer: Also referred to sometimes as “The Whiner”, this person uses her status updates to vent about whatever is bothering her at the moment. “Just stopped at 7-11 and the slurpee machine was broke. ARRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!” or, “Wish people would stop checking their cell phones while they drive and STAY IN THEIR LANE! (sent from my iPhone)” The sheer volume of complaints that this friend registers, ensures that she is almost always atop your recent stories timeline. You could un-friend her, but you know that would only lead to another complaint that the rest of her friends will be forced to endure. So you suffer through her updates in silence, unlike The Complainer.
The Kevin Bacon: While it would be cool to say you are friends with the “Footloose” star, you’re not and we all know it. But everyone has a friend on their list that serves as the Kevin Bacon of your Facebook world. He’s the mutual friend that connects you to virtually everyone in your life. Your former college roommate is friends with him. Your co-worker is friends with him. Your former college roommate’s co-worker is friends with him. How is it possible that this person is connected with so many seemingly random friends? Don’t question the logic; just know that he is the glue holding your entire Facebook universe together and without him, it would crumble like a poorly designed Castleville castle.
The Liker: She’s tough to spot, lurking beneath your status with a simple “thumbs up”. She rarely posts herself, but follows your every move and approves of your updates. While she doesn’t care enough to comment, she puts just enough effort into clicking “like” to make it seem as though you’ve struck a chord with her. She’s a member of 384 different groups and a fan of every actor, actress, band, singer, politician, author, and reality star on the planet. But don’t be fooled into a false sense of security. From time to time, she’ll throw you for a loop and leave a one-word comment in response to your status, questioning the acting skills of one Robert Pattinson: “dislike!”
So how many people are on Twitter? Got me, but I’m there. You should follow me, it’ll be fun!