Angry Birds, blogging, Facebook, Farmville, humor, internet, Jim Chaney, life, Random Thoughts, The Wordslinger
The World is on Facebook. No really, here’s its page. I’m willing to bet that you have a Facebook page as well, and if not, you know someone who does. Nearly 1 out of every 7 people on the planet is on Facebook and the other 6 would be too if they’d stop playing Angry Birds long enough to open an account. That’s 800,000 Earthlings uploading photos, updating statuses, and poking friends (seriously, how many people actually do that?) everyday.
With so many “individuals” staking claim to their own little plot of internet land, you’d think it would be impossible to find ways to group them all. Well, you’d be wrong. The truth is, there are really only seven different people who inhabit Facebook.
“Jim, what are you talking about. I’m looking at my page right now and I have 1,836 friends.”
First of all, no you don’t. No one has 1,836 friends. You are really only friends with like 20 of those people and you know it. Second, you’re looking at your list all wrong. Forget the names and faces of those people for a minute and think about the best way to describe their “facebooking”. My guess is every single “friend” of yours can be categorized as one of the following people.
The Facebook Employee: No, this person does not actually work for Facebook. They do, however, treat “facebooking” as if it were their job. Forget Monday through Friday, 9-5; this person is working nights and weekends. Whether it’s a quick status update to inform everyone that he’ll be at Applebees in 15 minutes, or uploading a picture of a woman that she saw at Target who may or may not be her 4th grade Social Studies teacher, this person is always putting in a full day at the office. On his resume you’ll find “able to update status from my phone while taking a shower” as a special skill, and under previous employers, “MySpace”. If more than 2 hours goes by without a new post or mobile upload, call the police.
The Photographer: You have 62 photos on your page. She person has 4,927. Your albums consist of “Profile Pictures” and “Mobile Uploads”. Her albums use song lyrics like “You can find me in da club…” and “Pa pa pa poker face, pa pa poker face”. If you had never met this person before, you could still easily write her biography based on the photo albums documenting every Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall for the past 12 years. She may not update her status as frequently as “The Employee”, but no one can upload pictures of herself in the mirror as quickly as The Photographer.
The Challenger: Whether it’s speaking out in favor of stem cell research or championing the fight to bring back the Mc Rib, this guy will challenge you to copy and paste his post to your page. He makes no distinction between disease prevention and mystery meat retention. Every cause is important and worth the taunts of “97% of people won’t post this” and “most of you won’t put this as your status for 1 hour”. Despite his pleading, he generally has the facts right as most of us ignore whatever issue he’s soapboxing today. Does that mean we’re bad people? No, it just means that after 14 new “challenges” today alone, we’re too busy blocking him to pay attention.
The Gamer: If there is a game to be played on Facebook, she’s playing it. Farmville, Castleville, Cityville, Hoochieville; she’s mayor of them all and she wants you to know it. Much like “The Employee”, it would seem that playing Facebook games is her occupation since her latest request of more hay for her cows came at 1:25pm on a Wednesday. From time to time, The Gamer ventures out of her comfort zone to post the results of a poll she took or a question she answered about a friend. Don’t be fooled though, her bread and butter is gaming and her farm is better than yours.
The Complainer: Also referred to sometimes as “The Whiner”, this person uses her status updates to vent about whatever is bothering her at the moment. “Just stopped at 7-11 and the slurpee machine was broke. ARRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!” or, “Wish people would stop checking their cell phones while they drive and STAY IN THEIR LANE! (sent from my iPhone)” The sheer volume of complaints that this friend registers, ensures that she is almost always atop your recent stories timeline. You could un-friend her, but you know that would only lead to another complaint that the rest of her friends will be forced to endure. So you suffer through her updates in silence, unlike The Complainer.
The Kevin Bacon: While it would be cool to say you are friends with the “Footloose” star, you’re not and we all know it. But everyone has a friend on their list that serves as the Kevin Bacon of your Facebook world. He’s the mutual friend that connects you to virtually everyone in your life. Your former college roommate is friends with him. Your co-worker is friends with him. Your former college roommate’s co-worker is friends with him. How is it possible that this person is connected with so many seemingly random friends? Don’t question the logic; just know that he is the glue holding your entire Facebook universe together and without him, it would crumble like a poorly designed Castleville castle.
The Liker: She’s tough to spot, lurking beneath your status with a simple “thumbs up”. She rarely posts herself, but follows your every move and approves of your updates. While she doesn’t care enough to comment, she puts just enough effort into clicking “like” to make it seem as though you’ve struck a chord with her. She’s a member of 384 different groups and a fan of every actor, actress, band, singer, politician, author, and reality star on the planet. But don’t be fooled into a false sense of security. From time to time, she’ll throw you for a loop and leave a one-word comment in response to your status, questioning the acting skills of one Robert Pattinson: “dislike!”
So how many people are on Twitter? Got me, but I’m there. You should follow me, it’ll be fun!
sterowanie hydrauliczne said:
My website sterowanie hydrauliczne
I think this is one of the most significant info for me.
And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The web site style is wonderful, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers
My website szkolenie inventor
seprince bonus said:
Hi, its nice paragraph regarding media print, we all be familiar with media
is a wonderful source of information.
cast ncis said:
I got this site from my pal who informed me regarding this web
page and now this time I am visiting this web site and reading very informative posts at this place.
Hey, if you know so much about CastleVille, why aren’t you my neighbor yet?! LOL.
Valerie @ Frugal Family Fun Blog said:
“He makes no distinction between disease prevention and mystery meat retention.”
This is gold my friend, nice work!
Why thank you sir, and thanks for stopping by as well.
At first I thought I was the liker, but I don’t even do that. And I’m not a fan of all those actors and singers and all or a member of any groups. So I think you need yet another group… The Stalker. I literally stalk my friends on facebook. And I only have like 60 or so…. because I actually know all of them. I am stalking for pictures of their kids! I’m going to go stalk your page right now for new and cute pictures of Izzy and Jake! hehehe….
I’ve been told that I missed the boat by not including “The Stalker”. Also, you will be disappointed in my lack of new pictures of the kids. I am definitely not “The Photographer”.
I had to cut down to 500 friends… and have all the above.. glad I found your blog via bloggers. you can find mine at http://purplechronicle.blogspot.com/
Thanks for stopping over! And for the comment…”friends” can get a bit overwhelming sometimes, haha. I’ll check yours out as well.
I have all of the above, but I must be blessed. I also have the ones from your comments and a few others. I am sooooooo glad I no longer work for FB. Ick. Sad, I had to get a new profile just to get away from the employees.
*Idly wonders how long it will take G+ to be broken into groups. Begins naming groups*
I’m a liker. Great post!
So true! I can categorize a ton of people off the top of my head!
John Erickson said:
Hey, you forgot me – the “gun-to-the-head guy”. The person who would be ETERNALLY happy if Facebook went “POOF!” tomorrow, but is on it to keep track of other people who believe Facebook is the ONLY way to communicate. Seriously. I opened my Facebook page just to follow the development of a World War 2 movie. I was a mainframe computer programmer for 15 years, and I can’t keep up with Facebook’s constant “upgrades”! 😀
Though I could be your Kevin Bacon. I can not only hook you up to most of the celebs from the original Star Trek series AND Next Generation, but also a number of British celebs and even Johnny Cash!
Thanks for the comment Mr. Bacon! Nice to hear from you again, it’s been awhile!
Andra Watkins said:
I’m sure I have been guilty of just about all of these behaviors at some point or another by now. I’ve been on FB since 2008, and I’ve made about every mistake with it except posting nude photos or graphic videos.
Now, I just can’t stand it. I wish we had a better place.
Haha, well you’ve avoided web nudity so I think you’re doing just fine!
Sandi Ormsby said:
I don’t know if this falls under Kevin Bacon, but I think it’s different…you forgot the person that FRIENDS EVERYONE under the sun. She’s on everybody’s friend list just because she attended the same high school, but she didn’t hang out with any of them! Your FB page would not crumble if they disappeared…and in fact, you never know why any of you accepted their friend request in the first place. You could barely tolerate her in highschool.
It’s more of a “Hey, I know you…and I know you…and we weren’t in the same grade, but I see you went to my highschool…therefore we are friends!” You see her on all your friend’s friend’s lists…and she’s commenting all over the place…and you don’t recall them ever hanging out…
Then there’s the MARKETER…they want to get their business known…and if you went to their highschool, are related through marriage, step-sibling’s other family, went to the same funeral of someone you both barely knew, in the blogging neighborhood…WELL you must LIKE their business because you are obligated to, right? They actually might fall under the like category…because they go around liking everyone’s status and all your comments on their status…as a way to market, and get you to like their business.
LOVE THIS POST! I think I will “like” it…and I don’t “like” lightly. So, you can rest assure it’s a sincere like.
Lake Forest, CA
P.S. On a serious note, I will find you on FB now. There are a few of us bloggers that have connected on there. It’s fun!
You are definitely right about The Marketer. I could have easily added that one to the list. He qualifies as his own person for sure. Consider your comment liked!
Ms. Vic said:
I do believe you just described every memeber in my family and I couldn’t have done a better job.
“If you agree, please repost this for one hour on your facebook page.”
You forgot about the most obvious! The Parent- from the moment of conception they have religiously updated their profile pictures and statuses to reflect exactly what is going on in little Sally or Timmy’s life. They discuss things your mother taught you were socially inappropriate, from bowel movements to the fantastic glob of crap they just dislodged from their own little booger’s nose! They enter their child into prettiest baby contests and employ you, as thier faithful Facebook friend, to continuously vote to confirm just exactly how cute thier child is. They can no longer hold adult conversations without bringing up what developmental stage thier child is in or just how precious they look covered in stickers.
With that being said I now need to go upload all my holiday pictures of Xavier!
Well played Steph, well played.
🙂 Guilty as charged!
Ohhh, good one! I know a few of those!