I’ve been racking my brain for several
days hours minutes, trying to come up with a plan for regular updates on babypalooza (that’s what I’m calling it and you can’t stop me) that would be both informative and gut-bustingly funny. Once the smell of smoke began to permeate the room however, I quickly ceased the racking of said brain, having come up with bupkis. So in a last-ditch effort to manifest something that won’t make you revisit that breakfast burrito you ate this morning, I approached my children for their advice.
And that’s when I realized the answer was sitting there all along, eating Cheerios and licking the couch cushion. I’ve said it before; these little people are a treasure trove of comedy gold and they sure do love to talk your ear off. So today, I’m bringing you the first installment of what I hope will be many interviews with Iz and The Jakester about their soon-to-be-and-currently-nameless-sibling. I’m calling it “The Toddler Tapes”. And now, part 1.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Me: Hey Iz, Jake, can you guys come here? I want to talk to you about the new baby on the way. Izzy: No! Me: Iz, come here please. I just want to… Izzy: No…no no no no no. Ok, you know what…this portion of the tape is really unnecessary. It’s a lot of “come here please.” followed by a lot of “No, nope, uh uh” and other variations. Let’s skip ahead (after the voice-raising, crying, and time-outs). Me: Now where were we, ah yes, the baby. Do you know that Mommy has a baby in her belly? Izzy: Yeah, its gonna get dirty and messy. Me: That’s true, it will be dirty when it comes out…but we’ll get to that later. So do you think Mommy is going to have a boy baby or a girl baby? Izzy: I’m going to have a little girl baby. Me: You are going to have a baby? Izzy: Yeah, I’m going to have a little girl baby because I’m a mommy just like my mommy. Me: Wow, well congratulations on your news. Does Mommy know about this yet? Izzy: Yeah, because Mommy and Me are girls…I’m friends with Mommy. Me: I’m not gonna lie Iz, it hurts that you would tell your Mommy this news and not me. Izzy: Do you need a boo-boo band-aid? Me: Well played girlie, well played. Ok, back to the subject of these questions; the new baby coming. Are you excited to be a big sister again? Izzy: Yeah, it’s owwwoot-standing. Me: (Thank you Special Agent Oso for the vocabulary lesson) Outstanding huh? Well I’m glad you’re excited. Izzy: Yeah, it’s gonna be silly! Me: If by silly you mean Mommy and Daddy going crazy, then yes, it certainly will. Izzy: You’re going crazy? Can I come? Me: Sure, bring your bottle of Jack, I mean juice. Izzy: Bottle of what? Me: Nevermind. So since Mommy and Daddy don’t know if this is going to be a boy or a girl, can you help us pick out a name? Izzy: I’m Izzy. Me: Well I already know your name, but we need ideas for a name for the new baby. Izzy: Jacob. Me: But we already have a Jacob, do you want us to have two Jacobs? Izzy: No, no more Jacobs. Me: Haha, ok, no more Jacobs. So as the big sister, will you be able to help Mommy and Daddy with the baby? Izzy: I’ll change her diaper and put the poops in the potty. Me: Well that would be a big help Iz. Izzy: Yeah, the poops go to the poop factory…and sometimes they get stuck in the potty and then we use this (points to the plunger) to get them out. Me: Ok, this conversation is taking a turn for the worse. Let’s wrap it up. Thanks for your time Izzy. Izzy: I give you a sloppy kiss (walks over, grabs my face, and licks my cheek). Me: Wow, thanks. Jake, any words for the folks listening? Jake: Poop. Me: Awesome. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well, there you have it. Part 1 of the Toddler Tapes. More in-depth conversation with Iz and The Jakester about the impending arrival of their new sibling will be coming soon. Possibly regular installments for as long as I can get them focused for more than 2 seconds.