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I’ve been racking my brain for several days hours minutes, trying to come up with a plan for regular updates on babypalooza (that’s what I’m calling it and you can’t stop me) that would be both informative and gut-bustingly funny.  Once the smell of smoke began to permeate the room however, I quickly ceased the racking of said brain, having come up with bupkis.  So in a last-ditch effort to manifest something that won’t make you revisit that breakfast burrito you ate this morning, I approached my children for their advice.

And that’s when I realized the answer was sitting there all along, eating Cheerios and licking the couch cushion.  I’ve said it before; these little people are a treasure trove of comedy gold and they sure do love to talk your ear off.  So today, I’m bringing you the first installment of what I hope will be many interviews with Iz and The Jakester about their soon-to-be-and-currently-nameless-sibling.  I’m calling it “The Toddler Tapes”.  And now, part 1.


Me: Hey Iz, Jake, can you guys come here? I want to talk to you about the new baby on the way.
Izzy: No!
Me: Iz, come here please.  I just want to…
Izzy: No…no no no no no.
Ok, you know what…this portion of the tape is really unnecessary.  It’s a lot of “come here please.” followed by a lot of “No, nope, uh uh” and other variations.  Let’s skip ahead (after the voice-raising, crying, and time-outs).
Me: Now where were we, ah yes, the baby. Do you know that Mommy has a baby in her belly?
Izzy: Yeah, its gonna get dirty and messy.
Me: That’s true, it will be dirty when it comes out…but we’ll get to that later.  So do you think Mommy is going to have a boy baby or a girl baby?
Izzy: I’m going to have a little girl baby.
Me: You are going to have a baby?
Izzy: Yeah, I’m going to have a little girl baby because I’m a mommy just like my mommy.
Me: Wow, well congratulations on your news. Does Mommy know about this yet?
Izzy: Yeah, because Mommy and Me are girls…I’m friends with Mommy.
Me: I’m not gonna lie Iz, it hurts that you would tell your Mommy this news and not me.
Izzy: Do you need a boo-boo band-aid?
Me: Well played girlie, well played.  Ok, back to the subject of these questions; the new baby coming.  Are you excited to be a big sister again?
Izzy: Yeah, it’s owwwoot-standing.
Me: (Thank you Special Agent Oso for the vocabulary lesson) Outstanding huh? Well I’m glad you’re excited.  
Izzy: Yeah, it’s gonna be silly!
Me: If by silly you mean Mommy and Daddy going crazy, then yes, it certainly will.
Izzy: You’re going crazy? Can I come?
Me: Sure, bring your bottle of Jack, I mean juice.
Izzy: Bottle of what?
Me: Nevermind.  So since Mommy and Daddy don’t know if this is going to be a boy or a girl, can you help us pick out a name?
Izzy: I’m Izzy.
Me: Well I already know your name, but we need ideas for a name for the new baby.
Izzy: Jacob.
Me: But we already have a Jacob, do you want us to have two Jacobs?
Izzy: No, no more Jacobs.
Me: Haha, ok, no more Jacobs.  So as the big sister, will you be able to help Mommy and Daddy with the baby?
Izzy: I’ll change her diaper and put the poops in the potty.
Me: Well that would be a big help Iz.
Izzy: Yeah, the poops go to the poop factory…and sometimes they get stuck in the potty and then we use this (points to the plunger) to get them out.
Me: Ok, this conversation is taking a turn for the worse.  Let’s wrap it up.  Thanks for your time Izzy.
Izzy: I give you a sloppy kiss (walks over, grabs my face, and licks my cheek).
Me: Wow, thanks.  Jake, any words for the folks listening?
Jake: Poop.
Me: Awesome.
Well, there you have it.  Part 1 of the Toddler Tapes.  More in-depth conversation with Iz and The Jakester about the impending arrival of their new sibling will be coming soon.  Possibly regular installments for as long as I can get them focused for more than 2 seconds.