Dear HGTV Execs,
You have ruined my life. That may seem a bit harsh and over-dramatic, but that’s how we do it here at The Wordslinger, so get used to it. The hypnotic power you have asserted over me began to take hold about 6 months ago and has slowly tightened its icy grip with every passing day. It began innocently enough, as my desire to purchase a new home in the near future led me to channel surf my way over to your network from time to time.
It didn’t take long for your programming to pique my interest. I watched as Average Joes like myself searched for and found their dream homes, and with every “3 months later” ending-credits-scene, I basked in their glory as if it were my own. Subconsciously I found myself drawn to channel 229 like a moth to a flame and before long, I was actively seeking it out on my digital cable guide.
What started as a few episodes of “House Hunters” every so often, quickly and quietly spread to other shows. No doubt sensing your increased control, you tantalized me with new episodes and series, seemingly tailored to my specific desires. I tried “Property Brothers” and a little “Love It or List It” and found myself weakened by this new addiction. You didn’t stop there though did you? No, you took it up a notch with “House Hunters International” and suddenly I was researching the housing markets of Slovenia in order to stay one step ahead.
My guilty pleasure has turned into a full-scale obsession, from which there appears to be no turning back. I follow designers on Twitter, enter contests to win a brand new bathroom faucet, and contemplate structural changes to every home I enter. Just yesterday my wife found me in the shed, drawing up plans for turning it into an income suite. She just shook her head and left me to my own devices.
Do you see what you’ve done to me? Last weekend, I spent several hours just wandering around my local Home Depot waiting for someone to approach and ask to come back to my house and see my bathroom. That’s not a good idea! I know this! But the prospect of a “Bath Crash” outweighed the possibility of bringing an armed robber into my home. This is the thinking of a man who’s gone over the edge.
I’m writing this letter today in hopes that you’ll realize the damage you’ve done and release your hold on me. Perhaps start airing re-runs of “Donna Decorates Dallas” which ought to break the spell. If you refuse to let go, I’m afraid of where things might lead. My wife has already had to cancel the delivery of a large dragline excavator, which I don’t even remember renting and some guy named Vito keeps calling about a meat locker I apparently agreed to redesign to provide him with additional storage.
In closing, I’d just like to say that while your programming has provided me countless hours of entertainment, it has taken a toll on my reality. I can no longer enter a kitchen without questioning the homeowner’s choice of cabinetry, and a backyard without a replica of the castle at Magic Kingdom just seems lazy now. Perhaps someday I’ll feel confident in my ability to watch “Holmes Inspection” without a checklist by my side, but that day is not today. I hope you’re happy HGTV. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to compare 2-bedroom rentals in Lima, Peru.Sincerely, The Wordslinger