It was around this time last year that I finally found the strength to crawl out from under the landslide of depression that had consumed me immediately following the Ravens’ defeat in the AFC Championship game. In the course of about 90 seconds, my hometown team watched their shot at a Super Bowl slip through the hands of one Lee Evans and then veer wide left off the foot of one Billy Cundiff.
I sat staring at the TV for days (or possibly just several long minutes), unable to accept the heartbreaking way that the season had ended. I searched for answers, and when none surfaced I reached for the healing powers of a magic elixir…alcohol.
I mean seriously, how was I supposed to abide by man law #36 (Men watch the Super Bowl. No matter the teams, the time, the place, or any non-football related distractions…men watch the Super Bowl.) after watching my Ravens snatch defeat from the hands of victory without an abundance of adult libations? So as a way of enjoying the biggest football game of the year, I developed The Official Super Bowl XLVI Drinking game. Much to my (complete lack of) surprise, that post was a huge hit. So today, I bring you this year’s version of the Super Bowl drinking game…but with a much happier heart, after my Ravens punched their ticket to New Orleans last week with a revenge win over the New England Patriots. Now let’s get right to it!
- If any guest at your party attempts the Ray Lewis dance, take a drink.
- If you are the person that attempts the Ray Lewis dance, take a shot.
- For every mention of Lee Evans or Billy Cundiff, take a drink.
- Every time the term “Har-bowl” is used, take a drink.
- Put all starting linemens’ names in a hat and everyone picks one at random. Every time that player’s name or number is mentioned during the game (this includes penalties), the party guest holding that name has to take a drink.
- Pick a party guest and bet the over/under on the length of the national anthem. Loser takes a drink. (Current line is 2 minutes 15 seconds)
- Guess the coin toss; if you’re wrong, take a drink.
- If the first score of the game is a field goal, take a drink.
- If the first score of the game is a touchdown, take a shot.
- If the first score of the game is a safety, chug whatever you drink you have.
- If Colin Kaepernick kisses his bicep, take a drink.
- If any Ravens’ player mimics Kaepernick kissing his bicep, take a shot.
- If the 49ers punt or go for a 4th down play in a normal field goal kicking circumstance (because they are scared to death of David Akers), take a shot.
- If the team you are rooting for is losing at the end of the 1st half, take a drink.
- If the team you are rooting for is losing by double digits, take a shot.
- If the network shows time-lapse footage of the halftime stage being put up or taken down during rehearsal, chug your drink for the duration of the footage. (I know I used this last year, but it’s classic!)
- If Beyoncé is joined by Jay-Z during her performance, take a shot.
- Guess the Beyoncé set list: if you are correct, everyone at the party takes a shot, if you are incorrect, you take a shot.
- If the camera cuts to the Harbaugh parents and either of them are dancing to Beyoncé, applaud…and then take a drink.
- If anyone at your party asks to switch the channel to the Puppy Bowl during halftime, they must take a shot…and then leave immediately.
- If there is an onside kick in the second half, take a drink.
- For every turnover in the second half, take a shot.
- For every poor coaching decision in the second half (misused timeouts, bad challenges, etc.) take a drink.
- For every touchdown of 40 yards or fewer, take a drink.
- For every touchdown of 41 yards or more, take a shot.
- For every point that the winning team wins by, the fans of the losing team must chug their drink for that many seconds. (Example, Ravens win by 10, 49ers fans drink for 10 seconds)
- For every debate about whether Joe Flacco is elite, take a drink.
- Any time Ray Lewis mentions God or says the word “awesome”, take a drink.
- Every time Alex Smith is shown on the sidelines/bench, take a drink.
- If at any point during one of the commercials, a half-naked woman is shown doing something in slow motion, take a shot.
- Find someone to bet the over/under on length of post-game handshake (line is currently 7.5 seconds)- loser takes a shot.
- For every mention of Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, take a drink.
- For every dating site commercial, take a drink.
- If you are still standing after playing this entire game, chug whatever alcohol remains in the house and promptly pass out!*
Have a great Super Bowl everyone and Go Ravens!!!
*The Wordslinger does not recommend or condone attempting every bullet point above. The Wordslinger would likely be out cold after just a handful of these rules. Do not blame the Wordslinger for your poor decision making…blame your parents/spouse/kids instead.